Codependency
It seems to me that free will is given to us for a purpose: so that we may choose freely, without coercion or manipulation, to love God in return, and to love one another in a similarly perfect way. This is the deepest desire of our hearts.
Gerald G. May
Addiction and Grace
The first aspect of feeling powerless in relationships is the sense of having one's life controlled by someone else.
Nancy Groom
Bondage to Bonding
Created for
interdependent relationship, our humanity thrives in the healthy give and take of support, care, mutual kindness, and respect. But what happens when this healthy balance becomes upset by factors outside our control? We can be left feeling helpless and trapped. We may discover that we no longer know what we feel or want, we can only imagine what the other person feels or wants. When we make others our point of reference instead of maintaining that point of reference in ourselves, we have entered into codependency.
Codependent relationships leave us feeling confused. How is it that we, who are very much in control of ourselves, can feel so out of control? We begin to feel trapped and responsible to care for others in a way that leaves us feeling there is no one to care for us and nothing left over for our needs. We may begin to feel that the only way to determine our emotional temperature is to take the emotional temperature of the ones we love. We feel able to have a good day only if the other person is having a good day. If they are having a bad day, we expect nothing more than a bad day for ourselves.
Levels of Codependency
There are many levels of codependency, from the "something just doesn't feel right" to the deeply entrenched. And there are varying situations of circumstance and intensity that tend to spawn codependent relationships.
Generally, we are most familiar with the extreme circumstances of life and relationship where unhealthy patterns of relating develop, situations such as:
- Alcoholism
- Drug addiction
- Gambling addiction
- Compulsive eating
- Compulsive spending
- Physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual abuse
- An out of control child that is abusing drugs, sex, or gambling
Being in relationship with an abusive or addicted person can leave one feeling absolutely out of control and unable to determine where one's edges begin and end. Life becomes a blur of attempts to predict, manage, and sidestep the behaviors of another so that our life is not swallowed up in theirs. But the very prevention and managing we are attempting has already obliterated our selfhood.
But it's not just the extreme behaviors of others' actions that take their toll on our well-being. Any time an unusual situation requires us to meet someone else's needs with little sacrifice reciprocated; we are at risk for developing unbalanced and unhealthy relating patterns. These circumstances can include caring for, or being in relationship with, a person suffering from:
- Chronic or terminal illness
- Mental or emotional disability
- Traumatic physical or emotional injury
As caregivers we become adept at anticipating and meeting the needs of those we care for. The agile adeptness we develop to faithfully and lovingly meet the needs of another becomes the very pattern that makes us forget how to care for ourselves. Whether our care-giving is long or short term, it is very difficult not to become enveloped in a codependent relationship. Ironically, rather than helping us care best for another person, codependency blunts and thwarts our ability to care and love well the ones we are wanting to help and serve.
And then there are the everyday, ordinary ways in which we are all tempted to become over-responsible for people and situations that are not ours to be responsible for. Perhaps as children we had a parent that was impossible to please. In order to survive childhood we became skilled at sensing the needs of others in order to avoid their wrath or the weight of their emotions that, as children, we could not bear. Perhaps we suffered the loss of a terminally ill parent, or caring for a mentally or physically disabled parent or sibling became the most profound formation of childhood.
Low self-esteem also tempts us to codependency. Feeling overly needed, important, and essential to the life of another temporarily, though falsely, boosts our sense of meaning and purpose. Often the most responsible among us are the most tempted to become over-responsible for others. A person or child who is particularly empathetic—able to feel the pain of another as if it was his or her own—is particularly pre-disposed to codependency.
If you find you are meeting someone else's needs only by putting your own needs aside and suffering unhealthy short or long term consequences, you might be in a codependent relationship. Codependency happens when:
- We feel our needs are unimportant compared to the needs of another
- We feel held hostage by another person's behaviors, moods, or opinions
- We feel our self-worth and identity depends on the approval of someone else
- We feel anxious and out of control because of the choices of others
Codependency occurs on a continuum and in a matter of degrees. Of course we all depend on others and each of us, at times, feels controlled by circumstances and people outside our control. Codependency occurs when there is a prolonged, unhealthy dependency with others, or when we feel debilitated by the amount of control we have lost in a relationship.
Breaking codependent relationships is possible. A good therapist can help you find ways to regain your footing and move forward in healthy, positive relationship with the people in your life—even in extreme circumstances. It is possible to care for those you love without abandoning your own health and well-being. It is not only possible, but necessary as well, to recover your sense of self and identity
and love others well.
Each of us is created to be a unique individual with unique feelings, thoughts, gifts, and passions. The tragedy of codependency is that the codependent person no longer is—nor can they become—the person they were created to be. There is nothing noble or godly about becoming blurred or absorbed by another human being. Breaking the shackles of codependency frees a person to become who God intended them to be, allowing them to truly serve and powerfully love the people in their world.
Some good groups that offer support for codependency are: