What is Grief?

The journey of grief does not happen in one’s head—as some mere intellectual problem to solve. The journey of grief happens in the body. Have you ever felt a hollow slug-in-the-gut sensation of loss? A sudden wash of heat through the limbs as tragedy unfolds? Or a vague, dull, lethargy—head to toe—as a long grief seems to never diminish?

 

Grief is the body’s normal reaction to loss. At some point, we all experience loss and grief. The intensity can, but doesn’t always, correlate with the grief we feel about it. Sometimes a “less significant” grief (as we or others may label it) knocks us down as nothing has before. And often we don’t know or understand how deep a grief goes or how the many tendrils of a certain loss affect the various areas of our lives.

 

The grief process requires certain skills that, until we experience a profound grief, we may not know we lack.  The support of family, friends, a grief or support group, and/or a counselor are essential as we make our way through grief.

Time actually doesn’t heal all wounds, but time is typically our friend in the grief process. Yet sometimes we get stuck or stalled out as we try to grieve well. Complicated grief is defined as persistent, painful emotions that don’t improve significantly over time. A person feels paralyzed and debilitated and may be unable to accept their loss and move on with life in a meaningful way. It is important to seek professional help when complications arise with grieving.

Examples of Loss

• Death of a loved one
• Death of a beloved pet
• Divorce
• Break-up of a significant relationship
• Decline in or loss of health
• Miscarriage
• Stillbirth
• Job Termination
• Loss of a friendship
• Loss of safety following a trauma
• Loss of a cherished dream
• Financial instability
• Retirement
• Children moving away or leaving home

Symptoms of Grief

• Fatigue
• Insomnia
• Aches and pains
• Nausea
• Heart palpitations
• Chest pressure
• Panic Attacks
• Anxiety
• Crying
• Lowered immunity
• Increase or decrease in weight
• Change in appetite
• Anger
• Sadness
• Yearning
• Worry
• Guilt
• Frustration
• Shock
• Disbelief
• Feeling detached from friends/family
• Isolating oneself from others
• Acting in ways not typical to oneself

Stages of Grief

• Denial
• Despair/Sadness
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Acceptance

Denial is the mind’s way of coping with the immediate shock of loss, providing a shield against the onslaught of painful emotions. In this stage, one often feels as if the rug has been pulled out from under one’s feet. Life may feel that it no longer makes sense. One can feel numb and lost. Despair/Sadness Despair is an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Sometimes it is the sadness itself that feels so overwhelming. In this stage, one may feel as if they are too sad to function at all. Normal activities and just getting through the day require all one’s focus and effort. Anger occurs when the reality and helplessness of loss sets in. This is the “Why me?” or “How can this happen?” part of grief. In this stage, one often begins to look for someone or something (even oneself) to blame for the loss. Friends and family may become an easy and safe target for one’s anger. Bargaining is the “What if…” and “If only…” stage of grief and is another way the mind tries to protect itself from feeling pain and loss. In this stage, in order to gain a sense of control over what has happened (even though it has already happened), one plays out the scenarios of “If only I had done…” or “What if I had…would I still…?” Often one attempts to bargain with God. Loss is extremely difficult to accept and we desperately long to change the outcome of our losses. Acceptance occurs when someone comes to terms with their loss. This does not mean one has completely recovered or stopped grieving, and it certainly does not mean a loved one is forgotten or that one’s loss is less significant. What it does mean is that one is able to accept the loss and move forward with one’s life. In this stage, one still feels the painful loss even as they are buoyed by hope. There exists a sense that new life is waiting to unfold. Grief cannot be avoided and it is something we all experience. There is no magic pill to make it go away; nor is it possible to rush through or skip grief’s various stages. However, you do not have to face grief alone. Local churches and hospitals offer support and grief groups. Friends and family may also offer significant support. A good counselor or therapist is an excellent resource for support, helping you discover healthy tools and helpful skills as you work through your grief. In therapy you will find a safe and comforting environment in which to be honest. It takes time to discuss and process all the thoughts and feelings surrounding your loss. Everyone grieves uniquely, and grief is never a linear process. Rather, it often feels like a roller-coaster ride, or as if you are treading water in the ocean—continually pounded by wave after wave. Be patient and kind to yourself in this journey. Thankfully, on the other side of grief there is new life.