Midlife Transition

You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.

H. L. Mencken

Erik Erikson tells us that a normal part of development in adulthood during the midlife years is to ask the question: Can I make my life count? We typically ask this question in regard to our work, children, parents, friends, and God. It is here that we enter the midlife transition—and it is a profound transition as we close out the first half of our life and healthily align ourselves with the reality of the second half of our life. This transition is often triggered by a significant event such as the death of a parent, an emptied nest, or a child's college graduation or wedding. We suddenly become profoundly aware of our own mortality and the speed at which life is rushing by. We feel the process of aging descend upon us; we think of all we once hoped to accomplish in life, all that remains unaccomplished, and then we begin to panic. As with every season and transition of life, there are healthy and non-healthy ways to journey through this important, yet often confusing time. Many people fear the aging process and attempt to deny it is happening to them. They may act crazy or reckless, doing things they never would have done before. When this happens, we call it a midlife crisis. But in a midlife transition, a person is able to align themselves with and embrace the next stage of life in a healthy way. The beauty of personal growth and choice is that no matter how far one has proceeded into a midlife crisis, the choice is always before us to abandon an unhealthy trajectory and choose instead to move toward reality, well-being, and a positive midlife transition.

The 6 Stages of Midlife Crisis as compared to Midlife Transition

• The Temptation of Denial
• The Temptation to Anger
• The Temptation to Replay
• The Presence of Depression
• The Temptation to Withdrawal
• Acceptance

The Temptation of Denial

In Midlife Crisis, a person chooses denial and refuses to accept the fact that s/he is no longer young and that her/his body is no longer the same. A person may try to act young, wearing clothes that are not appropriate for her/his age. Older women attempt to dress like teenage girls, older men try to pull off the college student look. In this stage a person may try to erase the signs of old age by undergoing cosmetic surgery. In Midlife Transition, a person refuses to soothe them his/herself with denial and instead grapples with the reality of the aging process. They work hard to properly grieve and accept the limitations and diminishings that age brings, while choosing to rejoice in its benefits and rewards. One can act appropriately to one's age while maintaining a self that is young at heart.

The Temptation to Anger

In Midlife Crisis, a person often becomes angry as they feel reality set in. Unable to cope with feelings of helplessness about aging, one looks for someone or something to blame—or at least to vent their frustrations upon. In Midlife Transition, a person recognizes anger as a reaction to uncomfortable feelings of helplessness. They choose instead to accept that some helplessness is a reality of aging. They also choose to embrace the healthy empowerment within their reach. Instead of blaming and venting, they take proper responsibility for their physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

The Temptation to Replay

In Midlife Crisis, replay is the stage where people start acting crazy or in a manner that is completely opposite to their nature or personality. They try to regain their youth by making up for lost time. They may leave a job of many years for one that seems exciting, even though it may not be a good fit. A person might start going to clubs or partying with a younger crowd. It is during this time that people often begin affairs or leave their spouses. In Midlife Transition, a person delves deeper into who they truly are. Instead of trying to regain lost youth, they purposefully pair the experiences of the life they have led with the life they are continuing to live. They may return to or begin a creative or satisfying hobby. They connect more deeply to family and friends with who they are in the present. If married, they realize their marriage is also entering a new season and invite their spouse to a continued loving relationship.

The Presence of Depression

In Midlife Crisis, reality has set in and everything comes crashing down. A person realizes that —despite their best, or most ridiculous, efforts—they cannot regain their youth. They are growing old and nothing can stop that process. Some people feel like failures because their goals have not been met and their dreams have not come true. Others feel they are no longer desirable, beautiful or handsome, and develop low self-esteem.  In Midlife Transition, depression may still become a factor due to loss, grief, or physical challenges. Or one may feel profound sorrow about lost dreams and as yet unreached goals. But a healthy response to depression in any season of life is to pursue significant help and support as one seeks to understand and come to terms with the issues and/or circumstances that triggered the depression.

The Temptation to Withdrawal

In Midlife Crisis, this is the stage when a person begins to separate from family and friends—cutting off a true source of demonstrated love, reassurance, and appreciation. Instead, they become solitary and isolated, refusing (or not even recognizing) the help they most need. In Midlife Transition, the urge to withdraw is used as a cue to enter a season of purposeful reflection while retaining appropriate and positive connections with family, friends, and other significant avenues of help and support such as a therapist or support group. There is great value in a purposeful (and temporary) pulling away in order to give oneself time and space to think, meditate, and become grounded again.

Acceptance

In a continued Midlife Crisis, acceptance eludes a person. They stay stuck in unhealthy behaviors and beliefs about who they are and how they have value. But, sometimes—even after a great deal of unhealthiness in a midlife crisis—one is able to come to terms and be at peace with the aging process. If this happens, it is essential that a person acknowledge, admit, and address the damage they have caused their friends and loved ones during their quest for eternal youth. Reconciliation is possible when pursued with humility and patience. In Midlife Transition, after much grappling, soul-searching, and hard work, a person comes to a deeper peace with the fact of getting older. Yes, they are able to say, I may be getting older, but my life is not over. They are able—as more truly themselves than they have ever been—to inhabit their older years with grace and wisdom, hope and joy.

Accomplishing a healthy midlife transition

It is never simple or easy to accomplish a healthy midlife transition. But a skilled and compassionate counselor can be a valuable source of help and encouragement as you grapple and come to peace with the reality of aging. It is possible to embark on the second half of your life's adventure with new peace, meaning, and purpose.